this is my college essay (please give me as much feadback as possible!)

this is my college essay (please give me as much feadback as possible!)

jolly's picture
Submitted by jolly on Mon, 06/02/2008 - 21:06

            Growing up,
I remember I would come home from preschool and I would go out to play with
kids from the block or play on my Super Nintendo. The game that I loved most on
it was Super Mario Bros. It was a game that changed my view of
videogames forever. When I got older, I began to appreciate games even more
when I played my first 3D platform game. The one game that caught my attention
more than any other was Starcraft for the N64. With this game I was truly
fixed on videogames forever. It was this game that made me realize that video
games were not just some pixels on the TV set, but something that can inspire
and explore the imagination.

            Since my
fascination began, I have never passed the opportunity to try a videogame that
others overlooked because of the ideas. I have played many games so far on many
platforms, questioning and exploring every possibility of outcomes that might
occur. Every game is unique to me; every game can represent the imagination of
those who created it. And by publishing it, they have granted the consumer the
possibility to explore their collective imagination.

            Some people
say that videogames can be bad for the minds of children, but I like to differ.
During my exploration of the videogame world, I came across a game series that
had another profound affect on me. The game was called MYST and it was
remarkable. It was a simple point and click on the PC, but later on in the
series the difficulty to progress became harder and harder. For you see, MYST
was a puzzle game. Every time there were advancements in game design, Ubisoft
and CYAN would implement it into the game. Then finally the graphics and the
puzzles had taken my breath away, along with the worlds that the game took me
to.

            It was
because of MYST that I then learned that games can be a learning
experience. The game would push for the player to pay close attention to
details in a certain area to solve a puzzle, or it would give you a hint and
you would have to figure out what to do on your own.

            With all
the inspiration from games growing up, they have inspired me to pursue my
dreams of making them. It is all this and my love of technology that have set
my sights on what I want to do for a living. Creating and showing other the
wonders that games can bring to the minds of the players. I feel as though
nothing will stop me from getting a job at any game design or programming
company. I will push myself until I am at that point no matter what stands in
my way.

Very good essay!

 OK, first---my credentials--I have taught and graded high school essay writing etc. for many years --now retired. I put away my red pencil so I will only make general comments. 

  1. title? titles capture a readers attention and sets a tone: Short-Pithy-Crisp
  2. Third paragraph--if it is allowed you might mention such supporting facts such as the teacher in the UK who uses Myst III to teach and reinforce grammar and writing skills and any other example you can find...keep them short and clear.
  3. Work on the Final couple sentences of the last paragraph: the sentiment is there but needs to be said with more impact.
  4. Examples: short concrete examples of a puzzle and a graphic to explain why Myst captured your imagination so much.
  5. In the first paragraph you mention 2 games, but do not explain why they caught your attention so much. Use a very concrete example---I remember Super Mario Brothers but I have never played the Stargate game so I have no idea what you are talking about.---a word picture would be nice.
  6. Second paragraph: Examples---name of game and what it meant to you.  Don't go overboard, but have enough information so that the reader understands that you know what you are talking about.
  7. This is a good first draft, just needs to be strengthened in its weak spots....Good work and a good effort.  I hope you get an A+ 

 

Semper Culcitat---Always Quilting

Budgie's picture
Posted by Budgie on Wed, 06/04/2008 - 16:46
Red pencil!!

/me runs away from Budgie's red pencil!

Have to say tha I agree with Budgie on most points.

It is a pretty good essay.  I think it's obvious that is was composed with much passion and conviction.  I do hope that you get a good grade on it and even more importantly that you get what you need in life.  However in this case, the goal is communication and I would keep that in mind and take Budgie's advice to heart! 

 Great job!      Smile

Church's picture
Posted by Church on Fri, 06/06/2008 - 14:17
Essay is inspiring!

Adijike 2007 Jolly, Thank you for putting yourself out there!  You are courageous as well as a good writer.  I am sorry I couldn't tell you that earlier for your have probably handed your essay in.

I agree with you about the benifits of games and the disadvantages of them.  They have been shown as in "The Wild Devine"(it is a biofeedback game with great graphics  and therapeutic value.  Take a look at it on Wild Devine website.) to have such positive effects but also to be addictive and to have negative effects on some people.  That is with all things and I think it is all in what motivates you to play.  I love how imaginative they are and magical.  The artistry and potential here is limitless.  The puzzles are great for stretching the mind and then the team interaction is great for socialization and for connecting with people all over the world.  Thanx for sharing, Adijike 

Adijike's picture
Posted by Adijike on Sun, 06/08/2008 - 10:59